Lorae Ireland, Working Sessions with Eagle Flys

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

I'm going to be describing my on-going therapy with Eagle Flys in a
series of posts. I hope to write honestly and directly, to convey to
others this amazing transformative experience.

Eagle Flys is:
A facilitator
A guide
A teacher
A disciplinarian.

All coming from his center of great love and caring.

He's brutal, but what feels like - and appears to be - brutality at the time is actually elegant efficiency. That is, in working with me for three days he moved me farther and more correctly than I would have been with ten years of work with a "normal" psychologist or therapist.

Now (and I've still a long way to go - he calls me his pet project) I am experiencing and feeling true joy and happiness in simply BEING. Colors are more vivid. Now I look at my photographs from years past and am amazed at how beautiful they are.

I've stopped my hapitual "checking out". By that I mean that I had an ingrained from childhood habit of simply leaving this reality. Constantly.
Here - sort of - for maybe five minutes, then "gone" for a minute or two; back here - but not really - then "checked out" again. Over and over and over, all day long.

It's one thing to be able to "travel", but to barely exist in this world is NOT the correct way to live.

Anyway, in the past, other friends (and my much older brother when I was eight) had pointed this habit out to me. I ignored them and continued to be almost constantly "checking out". Definately a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

SO WHAT DID HE DO?

He FORCED me to:
1. Pay attention
2. Be here
3. Begin to become aware of psychological blocks
4. Start thinking about "taking care of ME", that is, repeatedly
asking me questions like, "What do you want?", "What do you think
about that?", "How does that make you feel?", etc.

HOW DID HE DO THIS?

1. None of this was on my agenda. NOT AT ALL. He pulled me into this
therapy almost literally kicking and screaming. (Well, actually, I DID
do a lot of physical squirming combined with the usual verbal attempts
to, again, "wander off".)

2. I really don't remember blow-by-blow (and, believe me, that's the
way I perceived it!) how he proceeded. I'm sure he had difficulty
even getting my attention.

3. I do remember him using word association. For instance, he would
begin with easy stuff, like "chair", "food", color", then (moving in
for the kill), with, for instance, "kitchen", and where I absolutely
CHOKED, "love', "affection", "sweetheart".

I would actually feel my throat becoming tight, just as when you hold
back the urge to cry.

4. Moving right along; I became aware that I was afraid of letting
myself be truly loved. REALLY AFRAID

Intellectually I know that this was completely silly, but emotionally, the
block was a big and immovable as a three-ton chunk of granite countertops.

It helped me to laugh at myself as he "hammered away", never giving
up, while I resisted and resisted and resisted, all the while
observing myself behave like a total blithering idiot, an emotional
train wreck, meanwhile thinking that it was actually hilariously
funny.

5. I've yet to be able to cry. I haven't cried since 1972. (We
discussed this since I wrote this. He asked me, "Why do you think you
need to cry?" "Ahh, hmm, well, now that I think about it, maybe I don't."

There's lots more work to be done, but I trust him with my life, so
we'll continue.

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

Fyi, some accounts of my "travels":
http://unveiling.18.forumer.com/index.php?showtopic=129
http://unveiling.18.forumer.com/index.php?showtopic=62

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

Ah, where were we?

This is about two days into the sessions.

Myself as I was before this transformation: We'll call it P/EF
and myself since: A/EF

P/EF I would usually read a book a day. Not short easy books, substantive books, sometimes maybe two or three days for say, Galbraith's "The New Industiral State", maybe two days for "Kruschev Remembers" or a whole day for Patton's "War as I Knew it". In other words, I DEVOURED books. (BTW haven't kept them about cluttering up the place. I'd already read them, no need.)

A/EF: Haven't read a thing.
Learning to exist HERE. And LIKING IT.

P/EF I'd spend HOURS each day gardening and lanscaping. Busy, busy, busy.

A/EF I'm calmer, don't need to dissipate excess nervous energy.

P/EF Dressed in rags or worse than rags (all that outside grubbing about).

A/EF Wearing nice office-type clothes about the house.(I was a corporate controller in my "other" life before I jumped out of the Matrix.) Even slapping on a tiny bit of makeup now and then, a dash of perfume. WHAT A HUSSY! (I was raised almost Amish-style. lol) Spending my days writing, doing a bit of web design (very badly).

Have a GREAT desire to get a Yamaha electronic full keyboard, want to get back into writing Baroque polyphonic music again. Which I play very badly! lol

Strange, have wanted to be riding horseback again. It's really fun to go tearing about on a fine horse, haven't done that for years and years. Heck, it would take two strong men and a ladder to get me up in the saddle now!

Need to get some acrylics, starting back on artwork. Really lousy at sketching, still have color and composition down though.

I'd quit smoking (almost a chain smoker, but took only about four puffs of each cig) a few days before I'd got to know Eagle Flys. I'd met him three weeks earlier and chatted for about an hour, but at that time I was totally clueless as to what was in store for me.

Aside (Sorry folks, but this is how my dingy brain works.):
He told me that, before that first meeting, he'd had to stop at the freeway rest stop for about an hour to compose himself. Turns out he had been searching for me for twenty years. And might have even driven right past my place several times. He meditated for hours each day on this project, hence the tendency to "zero in" on where I was living.

So, when I met him, I was "presented" with a nice-looking average Joe who, for some strange reason, appeared to have some kind of crush on me. This happens all the time, so I, as usual, blew it off, figuring that with time he'd get over such foolishness. (Lordy, I'm a fat old lady, over the hill and gone for sure. I live alone, but have been getting all sorts of attention, male-wise, in the last three years. Very strange...) So I didn't "give him no mind".

Later, after about three days of intense work on my rather dense head, he'd had enough. I forget what was said, but I remembered an AmerIndian incarnation when he had been my beloved husband. Maybe 600 years ago? Dunno. Here in this Arizona area, though not half so dry as it is now. We were both fairly young, no children yet. He disappeared. War party? Something. Anyway, I'd been so distraught that I'd tried to throw myself on the fire. Spent the rest of that life absolutely miserable without him. I've had that memory for about 15 years, but didn't give it a lot of importance because I remember all kinds of emotional incidents from various "past" (HA!) lives.

So here he was. HERE. NOW. Looking the same. (Gorgeous!) I was amazed. Still pinching myself.

As you were...
I'd quit smoking because it was simply becoming too expensive. I'd planned to clear out my lungs for a couple of weeks, then maybe have a puff or two now and then. (That cilantro game is how I trick myself into doing all kinds of things...) Over the years I'd done this quitting smoking for a couple of weeks periodically.

NOT THIS TIME. I have ZERO desire to start up again. Others can puff away around me but my only reaction is to cough a bit. Completely indifferent to something that not so long ago gave me pleasure - I thought.
P/FE I liked to drink wine mixed with OJ, 3 parts OJ to 1 part wine, a weak mixture, but consumed (again, with a kind of nervous absent-mindedness) all day, beginning anywhere from 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. Sometimes, instead of wine, I used high-quality vodka, but not drinking as much of this as the wine mixture. In other words, I slurped this stuff all afternoon and evening every day.

A/FE I drink OJ. or water. And I'm fine with that.

Btw, just to set the background here, I haven't had a TV for years, never listen to radio either.

Have been working the last day or so on getting Eagle Flys forum/site up and running. Here's what I've come up with so far: [link to mindmatters.21.forumer.com]

This project has involved much learning "on the job" for me.

Session Five:
This subject is difficult for me to write about. Oh yeah, I'm talking about sex! Shudder.

I (along with nearly everyone lol) choke up and become silent when asked to DISCUSS sex. No problem being fairly uninhibited acting out, but TALKING about it? Forget it.

Ah well. Ya gotta laugh at yourself through all this "smashing away" at blocks, defense mechanisms, etc. When I am forced to really look at myself, the portrait is quite ludicrous, no doubt about it.

He asked me, "What do you want?" "What pleases you?" He did NOT encourage me to talk about past experience; on the contrary, he insisted that I pretty much forget the past and function right HERE, NOW.

The upshot of this EXTREMELY DIFFICULT conversation where I mostly became mute - shutting down again - was to bring me to the realization that I had a MAJOR block integrating sex with true love and affection. Namely, the game I'd been playing was, "I'm not going to get emotionally involved, therefore you can't hurt me."

However, this little ploy had its downside in that by not opening up emotionally, my body had difficulty reaching orgasm. (BUT, once there, w'ere talking Fourth of July Fireworks! lol)

At this point, I talked about what I wanted and needed.

Which was: 1. SPACE. That is, freedom to come and go as I pleased whenever I pleased, including my presence in my partner's bed. For instance, if I felt like sleeping on the couch or outside in a tent (I do stuff like that.)for whatever reason or no reason at all. Or to stay up all night reading, writing or whatever. In other words, I wanted the same sense of unfettered freedom I've had when living alone (all 18 years of it).

Expanding on this "space" concept, I told him that I got really tired of being me. That is, playing a role, being whoever Lorae Ireland is in the context of home, community, friends, the larger world. (THIS issue is addressed in a later session.)

Periodically, I absolutely NEED to spend a few days alone out in complete wilderness. Out there, I can forget about me. (Not to say that I don't have to be alert and aware, because in that environment you have to be quite "all there" or you could end up injured or worse.) Alone out in a wilderness place, all of everything speaks to me, and I am part of it, my little human self being no longer relevant.

So, in a relationship I must have the space to go into the wilderness. Or to travel, perhaps overseas for various reasons, alone or with him. I need my man to be so complete within himself that he can applaud my accomplishments and be secure that I am always his. Always.

Not related to sex you say? For me, very much so. In order to not feel coerced, which triggers my "stuff" (blocks, etc.), I had to know that I was always a desirable person, loved and cherished as an independent being.

Back to this stiffling conception of coercion, ownership, unspoken demands and assumptions: This made me see why, in 18 years, I'd had zero desire to re-marry.

Second want/need/desire: Freedom to be close to friends.
All my life I've always had many close male friends, and these guys - including the ones I haven't met yet - are a big part of my life. (I have few female friends, but they are spectacular brilliant juices of great accomplishment.)
I will hug and smack my male friends, spend whole afternoons alone with them, chat on the phone for hours, etc. I have no plans to change this.

Getting all THAT off my chest made me feel MUCH better, thank you very much. Heck, maybe I'll actually be able to discuss (choke) sex in later sessions.

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

xxxxx

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

Two sessions not written down. Sorry... He never gives up.

November 17, 2008 session.

He began asking me who Lorae Ireland was. Well, what do you say to THAT one? I'd puzzled most of my life over questions like, "Who is the "I" watching me exist?" "Is there in fact an outside reality, or am I merely perceiving it?" This "I": this consciousness, what? Similar to the concept, "The Present", it seems to be rather squirmy, disappearing when you try to pin it down. The best I'd come up with so far was that I could perceive myself perceiving, but that was about it. Not much to go on there, I'll admit.

I starting rambling to him about the above and was abruptly cut short. Back to ME, NOW. (Oh damn!)

He really lit into me about the games I'd been playing in the last few years and how I'd been running from myself all my life. And what a FAKE I was! That is, refusing to acknowlege myself, putting up quite a show of mirrors reflecting mirrors reflecting very cilantro.

Hoo Haw! Now just a cotton-pickin' minute there buddy!

Then I shut down. Again.

He handed me pen and lined notebook.

I began to write in perfect slow printing, like a dutiful culinary. Normally my handwriting is super fast cursive, slanted and sloppy, my mind going faster than I can possibly write. So, we've got a good record of that. This whole page took me a good half-hour to carefully and ever-so-slowly pen:

"I am not afraid of responsibility for myself.

I am confident that I can love my self.

I WAS afraid to love me. I love me.

I cannot be hurt by kitchen. I am safe. I am loved.

I will be and am confortable with sucess.

I will not feel sexually vulnerable with sucess."

(My whole extended family (3 sisters, 3 brothers, 27 neices and nephews) is a soap opera of ruined lives: talented, super-smart, charismatic and physically beautiful people deliberatly trashing their lives and that of anyone close to them. I've done a fair amount of that myself, I'll admit.)

2nd Page, again written VERY slowly:

"I am not afraid of oppobrium.

I no longer need to hide, so I no longer have to play the

chameleon.

I am not afriad of being "found out".

I am not afraid of Eagle Flies finding me out.

He already knows that I am a fake.

But he loves ME, not the fake.

I was beginning to love the fake.

But the "watcher" part of me was disgusted with not only the fake but the falling in love with (or being fascinated with/by the fake me."

I read this to him and he began showing me the destructive game I had been playing, going so far to leave myself that I'd constucted a fake me, then began giving that fake me a life of its own, even beginning to believe that it WAS me.

(Years ago, I'd had an inkling of what was going on when I wrote this essay: http://unveiling.18.forumer.com/index.php?showtopic=91

Oh my. This was absolutely SHOCKING! I'd always prided myself for my honesty, now I could see how adept I was at lying to ME, all for the purpose of not recognising ME.
My GOD!

C-O-N-V-O-L-T-E-D

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

Third page:

"Back to kitchen.

I must put past traumas in the past.

They are not part of my present.

Just because I was scared out of my wits onces doesn't mean

that I should be scared now.

I was afraid of being "found out", that there's nothing

there but fear.

Lots of cold fear.

I'm going in circles."

Eagle Flies asks, "What is it that you're dodging?"

"I like to be afraid."

Eagle flies: "This fear has got you wrapped up. You're afraid of being found out. You're afraid of kitchen. You're afraid of sucess. It's running every aspect of your life. You're afrid of being vulnerable.
Now I can show you how not to be vulnerable. Technically, I should have had you write in the very beginning.

Basically, it's how to act and react to people without getting into a position of vulnerability. It's known as the "fear factor".

ME: "I like to be afraid. ?????"

Eagle Flies: "The payoff is that you can be somebody that you're not, you don't have to feel or show REAL emotion. You can present a persona of somebody you'd like to be but are not.

So now I've got a VERY HARD question for you:
Who is the REAL Lorae Ireland? If she knows who she is, will she please stand up and tell me who she is. If not, please stay seated.

Now I'll give you a cilantro insight into that statement: Do you know who you really are? What WAS the real you, that you who was Lorae?

Selfish, egotistical, running awy, not wanting to face life."

ME: "I was preserving my false self."

Eagle Flies: "Who/what was your 'false self'?"

Me: "The fear."

Eagle Flies: "Of what?
Accepting yourself for what you truely are.

ME: "What/who I truely am?"

Eagle Flies: "That's what you need to find out.

Who is the REAL Lorae Ireland?

How can you be proud of or love someone you don't even know anything about?

How can you love others if you don't love yourself or know who you really are?

WHO ARE YOU?"

ME: "I don't have a clue."

Eagle Flies: "Why not?"

ME: "Why do I not have a clue?..."

Eagle Flies: "But you do.
You know who you are, you just won't admit it to yourself BECAUSE OF FEAR."

ME: "I'm afraid to know myself?"

Eagle Flies: "Think about it. What have you been doing all your life?"

ME: "Not only running awy from me but running away from knowing myself.

So I'm afraid of me."

Eagle Flies: "Are you?"

ME: "Maybe. I might be afraid of myself?"

Eagle Flies: "How can you be afraid of someone you don't know?

It's convoluted because you're making it convoluted."

ME: "So I'm afraid to know myself. Obviously."

Eagle Flies: "OK, start with an easy question: What does Lorae believe in?"

ME: "Not a whole hell of a lot. Sometimes I have trouble believing that I'm even here (I know that sounds stupid.), because I don't know who "I" is. I have no definition for the I that is me.

Eagle Flies: "Maybe it's not a "whole hell of a lot", but what do you believe in?

ME: "One litle thing I believe in..."

Eagle Flies: "Just ONE thing that you, Lorae Ireland, believes in."

ME: "That makes me dizzy. I'm trying to be really honest here.
"The way to live is to be kind to each other."
What are we supposed to do with that, it's pretty bland."

Eagle Flies: "If you're going to keep writing stuff down instead of answering questions this is going to take all brining night! I'd better put on a pot of coffee."

Joined: 15 Nov 2008 Posts: 14

just keeping the forum active